forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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