If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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