i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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