I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
