piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
