the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
