there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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