that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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