Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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