grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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