Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
there is glitter all over my balls
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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