You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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