Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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