I just threw up on my dentist
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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