The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
