The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
