she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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