I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
