She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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