Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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