You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
