Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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