Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
