the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
