u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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