Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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