It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
