I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
