I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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