before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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