i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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