i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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