I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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