Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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