I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
