Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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