never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
