Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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