just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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