my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
