the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Your cock deserves a montage
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
