wat bout pragnant strippers??
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
