If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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