Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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