But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
