honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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