I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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