Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If that was your dad, he is hot
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
