She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
