It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
