This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh god it's open bar.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
