Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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