I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
