my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
