Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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